SAG Awards, 2012

Thoughts while watching the SAG Awards:

I’m watching them at the SAG viewing party, which is loads of SAG actors who aren’t nominated for SAG Awards, watching the ones that are nominated on a big screen in the James Cagney board room at SAG, eating popcorn and Red Vines and being kind of obnoxious.

The snacks are good, and there’s turkey wraps and fruit for those pretending to be healthy. Also, raffle prizes at every commercial break!

I forgot to tape this at home, which means that I might miss something due to SAG actors being congenitally unable to keep their big, flapping yaps shut, but we’ll see. They just turned off the lights, which means that I might not be able to decipher my chicken scratchings. If, when you read this, you see “Brsgjifopd Klllloofy just won Male Actor in a TV Movie or Miniseries!” you will know that my fears were well-founded.

We, and by we I mean just us in the room, you folks are still seeing peculiar people accost celebrities to ask them about their shoes, get a taped message from the president of SAG, Ken Howard. He mentions the merger, and some stupid cocksuckers boo. I’m glad that Mom didn’t catch what that was in aid of, or she might have loudly started arguing. Whereas I am just calling them stupid cocksuckers on the internet, which is much more decorous and ladylike.

We are extremely pro-merger in my house, seeing as my father was working towards it when he was on the board starting in the 1980′s, and it is finally actually happening. It took this long because some actors are so stupid that they would drown in the rain like turkeys rather than actually doing something to make the union stronger.

And now the show has started! I really love the traditional, goofy little “I’m an actor” speeches that start the show, much better than a host’s monologue, let alone shorter and snappier.

Michelle Williams presents Male Actor in a Supporting Role. There is a woman two rows behind us who thinks that she is in her own living room. I wish she was, so I wouldn’t have to hear her constant yammering. I think her tongue is hinged in the middle. Or possibly that she thinks that anyone cares about one single word that she is saying, which, unless she says, “I will be swallowing this hemlock presently!” she is well mistaken. Christopher Plummer wins for Beginners , which may have been expected, judging from the grim expression on the face of Army “I didn’t get am Oscar nomination, and this isn’t much of a consolation prize” Hammer, when they were introducing the nominees.

George Clooney and his pretend daughter introduce the clips from The Descendents. At this awards show, you don’t have to guess why these people are introducing these clips, (“Was she the director’s baby sitter? Did he sleep with the costumer? Give me a hint!”). Why are they introducing it? They were in it! At the SAG awards, we have no subtext, only text.

Don Cheadle gives Female Actor in a Supporting Role. Melissa McCarthy and Octavia Spencer got the biggest reaction in this room, with a small but vocal minority for Janet McTeer, led by yours truly. To no avail, because Octavia Spencer wins, and makes some faces about how heavy the award is.

Juliana Margoles and Bryan Cranston, whose hair grew out nicely and looks much better than in Breaking Bad, give Male Actor in a Comedy Series. The room wants Jon Cryer or Eric Stonestreet, but Alec Baldwin wins for the sixth consecutive year. I firmly believe that people who win over and over again should remove their names from consideration after a few years, because it’s a little vulgar. Wow, has Alec gone back in time? He is thinner, his hair is darker, if he’s not careful people will think he is young Alec Baldwin again and cast him in supporting roles opposite Melanie Griffith and Michael Keaton.

Kyle Chandler and Regina King are presenting Best Actress in a Comedy. Betty White wins for Hot in Cleveland and the room goes nuts, except for my mom, who says, “O God,” in disgust. Mom has had it with the Betty White phenomenon. Betty says that they must have made a mistake, (having seen the show, I entirely agree that nobody should win anything for it) that all four women in the show should win, not just her, and that as far as she was concerned, they would all share the award. But, “I’m not gonna let them keep it!” which got a huge laugh, including from Mom, who, at least momentarily, went over to the White side.

Jessica Chastian introduces the clips of local actors appearing in small roles, because, as the SAG Awards like to mention every so often, not all actors are famous and not all actors live in NY or LA! Dammit! Also, not all actors are skinny, young and glamorous! SAG throws some of us a bone, and we chomp on it happily.

The Bacons present Ensemble in a Comedy Series. Modern Family wins, which is swell, I love Modern Family, but they clearly were so impressed with themselves because of the success of the planned bit on the Golden Globes that they went double or nothing this time and crapped out. They have the kids accept the award and the little boy almost swears in an elaborately scripted manner, and Manny tries to give a proper speech, and the whole thing falls flat. Bring back Sofia amusingly speaking Spanish!

Glenn Close and Ken Brannagh present Female Actor in a TV Movie or Mini-Series. Betty White is nominated again for something that nobody saw, getting a “Not her again!” from Mom, who shouldn’t have worried, because when Kate Winslet is up for something, she wins the fucker, and yes, she hoovered up another award for Mildred Pierce.

Octavia Spencer, “Winner!”, Viola Davis, “Nominee!”, and Emma Stone, “I was in fifty-three movies this year, was terrific in every single one of them, and apparently I didn’t suck enough dicks to get nominated for any goddamn thing, not that I’m bitter…” introduce the clips from The Help. And no, Emma Stone is nothing but gracious and lovely and doesn’t seem bitter at all, but were I her I would be wondering exactly what brand of chopped liver I was. I’m not entirely certain what Viola Davis is wearing. It’s white, and in the bodice her left boob is white like the rest of her dress, but her right boob is embroidered in the exact colour of her skin, so it kind of looks like she is slowly seeping through in an elaborate pattern.

Zoe Saldana and Army Hammer present Male Actor in a TV Movie or Miniseries, and Paul Giamatti wins for Too Big to Fail. He isn’t there, and Army Hammer threatens to keep his award.

President Ken Howard comes on the screen, and the wags in the room call out, “Hi, Ken!” He talks about the merger, and the cocks start booing again, but this time the other side also has something to say, that something being, “Shut up!” That was me, I’ll admit, but half the room expressed their opinion on the merger by cheering and clapping, led by Mom. I will admit that SAG-AFTRA is kind of a terrible name for the new union, but frankly, after all these years, I’ll take it.

We have been having the raffles at the commercial breaks, and the raffle winners numbers have ALL started with a 2. I am number 83. Stir those tickets up, people, I want a prize!

Maya Rudolph, Kristin Wiig and Melissa McCarthy get up with drinks in their hands to introduce the Bridesmaids clips, and tell us about the Scorsese drinking game. Anytime in your life, when somebody says Scorsese, you drink! And you’d be surprised how often it comes up. As they say the name over and over again, Melissa McCarthy just keeps chugging it down. The best bit, though, was when Kristin Wiig paused and someone yelled, “Scorsese!” and she thanked them for stomping all over the bit. I am surprised that the yeller wasn’t in the room with me, he or she was sure dumb enough to be!

Dick Van Dyke comes out and stands in front of a big sign saying Life Achievement Award, and gets a big standing ovation. “I’m just the presenter!” he protests. Mary Tyler Moore is the actual recipient. They show a bunch of pictures and clips, telling the story of her life, and one of the things they show are title cards from various MTM shows. “I LOVE ST. ELSEWHERE!” Chatty McChatterson says, behind me. Nobody cares what you like, Chatty, certainly nobody in earshot of your big loud stupid voice. This show will run over time because of the ovation for Mary, that she lets go on a bit longer than absolutely necessary, but I’ll give it to her, few people would want to cut that off. She gives a nice little speech about how, when she joined SAG, there were already too many Mary Moores, and what would her father say if she changed it, so she added her middle name, which was his middle name, too. The end is awkward, she just stands there, not knowing what to do, and neither does the camera, which just stays on her, but Dick won’t leave her hanging, he goes up to her and kisses her on the cheek, and makes a sotto voce joke about the award, “It’s too heavy to carry!” and the show is able to continue. Thanks, Dick!

Ed Helms and Judy Greer present Female Actor in a Drama Series. Jessica Lange’s clip shows her threatening a deformed person’s penis with a kitchen knife, then it cuts to her in the audience and she kind of shrugs, like, “Yep, that’s just a regular Thursday for me!” She wins. I really must watch American Horror Story.

Bérénice Bejo and Jean Dujardin introduce the clips from The Artist.

Tina Fey and John Krasinski present Male Actor in a Drama Series. Krasinski starts with a high-minded quote about acting from Grotowski or somebody, and Tina says, “And I think it was one of the hosts of the fourth hour of The Today Show, Kathie Lee Gifford, who said, ‘If drag queens love you, you’ll have the longest career in the world, ’cause they know phony and they know real.’” They show Michael C. Hall in the audience, and he has lots of shaggy hair and a big red beard like a viking, which I interpret to mean, “Remember when I had cancer and no eyebrows? FUCK YOU, CANCER!” Steve Buscemi wins, hands his glass of wine to Tina Fey, then says that he’s going to have to start by thanking Scorsese! She guns his glass. He mentions the names of all the kids on the show, who are all in the audience, and they get a shot of one kid leaping up in surprise and joy when his name is said. “To all the Michael Pitt fans out there, I know, I’m sorry, and please stop yelling at me on the street!”

Meryl Streep, in the glasses that she couldn’t get during the Globes, introduces the Parade of Death. Family friends who were in the Parade were Frances Bay, Bob Easton, Betty Garrett, Len Lesser and Jackie Cooper. Mom hadn’t heard that Len Lesser had died, she was surprised and saddened.

The cast of Dallas totters onto the stage, Larry Hagman, Patrick Duffy, and…Sue-Ellen Ewing, I can’t remember her real name, present Ensemble in a Drama Series. Boardwalk Empire wins, and Buscemi lifts each of the kids up in turn. Its a very sweet moment indicative of the mood on the set. If all these little kids beg Uncle Steve to lift them up, you know that this is a show with a real family atmosphere. He says, “I got nothing. Martin Scorsese!” and you see glasses raised all along the bottom of the screen. This game just might sweep the nation, or at least sweep SAG.

Kathy Bates and Owen Wilson introduce the Midnight in Paris clips.

Natalie Portman presents Male Actor in a Leading Role. You know, SAG, “Best Actor” is really a lot pithier, as far as award categories go. I’m just sayin’. Jean Dujardin wins, to Mom’s glee. They show all the other actors clapping, and George Clooney looks genuinely overjoyed. Either he is the best actor in the whole world, or he really loves The Artist, and, though I think he’s a terrific actor, I’ll bet it’s the latter. He’s such a class act. Jean gets a little weepy as he talks about how he daydreamed in class as a child.

It’s the last raffle break, and Mom said, “I don’t care if I win, the last prize I won was the best prize in the world,” meaning her agent, and I said, “Well, I want to win!” And I did! When they called my number, I was so surprised I just said, “O!” I got a SAG Awards tote bag. Yay! I also want a million dollars, if my wants are being generally fulfilled.

Ben Kingsley presents Female Actor in a Leading Role. Wait, an actual surprise! Viola Davis wins for The Help! And the crowd in my room goes wild. Mom says that she’s worried that her bodice will fall, which makes me spend the rest of her speech staring at her hooters. Viola Davis: not just a great actress in a movie about racism, but super stacked!

Brad Pitt presents Cast of a Motion Picture, and right before it’s called, Mom says, “I think The Help is going to win!” and it did! Viola is accepting again, though she just won in the previous category. I know that they plan in advance who would talk, so I guess they didn’t think that Viola would win.

And that’s the end! On the way out, we all got free Aflac ducks that say, “Aflac! Aflac! Aflac!” when squeezed, and passed anti-merger people passing out flyers on the way out. Mom said, “I’m for it,” and the guy said, “Just think about it!” and I said “Screw you, buddy.” So much for me being the decorous one!